Tending the mender

Taking care of one’s self is one
of the most important and neglected
aspects of being a healer. It is so
easy to put off or neglect this aspect
of our practice. There are always so
many needs and so little time. Most
skilled healers don’t have a lack of
individuals desiring their services.
Many also do not get paid, work other
jobs to pay the bills, and even have
families. Is it any surprise that a good
majority of healers, practicing outside
of Western medical models, are
female?

Females are noted for their multitasking
and care-taking qualities. Even
practitioners making a living within
Western medical models, doctors, nurses,
nurse practitioners, and nurse midwives,
have difficulty finding time to tend to
themselves. Long shifts, understaffing,
and having families add to their dilemma
in the same ways as their non-traditional
sisters/brothers.

Yet, many of us have heard the saying,
“You can’t get water from a dry well.”
This implies the understanding that if the
resources are not there; they can not be
given. It also implies that if the resources
are not replenished, the resources will not
be available to share. How then do so
many healers continue to give, give then
give some more? They’ll even forget to
drink and eat and neglect sleep especially
if they are caregivers that tend to critically
ill or endangered patients. You often see
this in hospice, trauma units, working with
rape, domestic violence, cancer, and other
critical/crisis fields.

There has been some recent questioning
of the wisdom of the long shifts given
interning nurses and doctors. What kind of
quality can be assured of a critical decision
made by an interning doctor functioning
after 24 hours on the unit? Mistakes, most
certainly, have been made. Sad that the
modern medical model makes this a
prerequisite, at least in the USA, to be a MD.

Non-traditional healers have more leeway.
We really can decide what kind of hours that
we keep and how we care-take ourselves
to support our practices. It does take certain
critical skills and abilities, though. One of the
most important of these skills is the ability to
recognize, set and hold boundaries.

Boundaries function in many ways.
They partition time, energy and other
resources. Some healers have poor or
non-existent boundaries. Many
“wounded healers” fall within
this category.

Wounded healers gain healing
abilities or wisdom from surviving
life-threatening or traumatic
experiences. Often, though, the original
wounding may leave the healer without
a realistic knowledge or ability to enforce
boundaries. Surviving trauma or a life-
threatening experience may gain the
individual wisdom or abilities but these
come at a cost.

Survivor’s guilt can be such a cost. A
person surviving a particular heinous
experience, especially one that involved
others that did not survive, can leave
“survivor’s guilt”. Some of the behaviors
and feelings surrounding survivor’s guilt
can lead the survivor to become a helper
or healer. It can also produce a
tremendous lack of ability to recognize
certain boundaries or need to care for
one’s self.

Many survivors do not feel worthy of the
fact that they and not others survived
the particular experience that they lived
through. This causes a certain loss of
self-esteem. When one loses one’s sense
of self-value this opens the door to
neglecting the self. Survivors can also
suffer from a need to prove to Spirit that they
are worthy of surviving. This can lead to a
tremendous output of service, but also the
neglect of their-own well being. Many of
these service oriented survivors feel that
they must always be serving and that they
are not worthy of the comforts enjoyed by
others, even food and sleep.

Child abuse: physical, emotional, mental
and sexual, incest, and domestic violence
are traumatic life-threatening events that
can produce a wounded healer. The
inability for healers, produced out of this
patterning, to recognize boundaries lie
within the nature of their wounding
experiences.

Authority figures act out. Familial loyalties
are called on for the survivor “not to tell”.
Adults behave inappropriately then confuse
the issues with words and actions. Lies are
told about the victim and believed by
authorities, family members and even
neighbors. The victim is told directly and
indirectly that they are worth “nothing”, that
they brought the abuse on and it’s their fault,
and everyone else’s needs are more
important. Natural boundaries within a
healthy family structure (where humans
learn boundaries) are non-existent.
Where then does this individual learn proper
boundaries?

My personal experiences lead me to believe
that boundaries can be learned with intent and
effort. Just because a healer, wounded or not,
lacks proper boundaries does not mean that
this individual cannot become a student of
what I call “The Fine Art of Boundaries: For
Service and Survival”.

I’m not saying that this is easy or pain free.
Individuals that are part of the wounded
healer’s sphere, so to speak, may intensely
resist any changes in the unspoken
arrangements. You actually have to think
that the most likely scenario is going to involve
unpleasant drama from those that you wish to
draw boundaries with. Of course, boundaries
are great for dealing with drama.

It doesn’t mean that you can’t make changes
to effect your better efforts and monitor your
resources in order to be a more effective,
healthy, and happy healer. Remember
resources mean time, energy, education,
experience, money, life force, knowledge,
practice, ability, expertise, and desire. If you
are wondering, at this point, why I’m adding
“happy” healer you have somehow missed
the concept. Go back to the idea of “the well
is dry”.

Another issue that healers/priestesses need
to consider is the “enabling” factor. Some
healers actually end up enabling poorly
functioning individuals to continue in their
illness or dysfunction. Some people don’t
want to get better. Some adults want others
to care-take their emotional, spiritual, and
even physical needs.

These folks, even given appropriate tools,
do not want to take personal accountability.
They’re eager to be told what to do, but then
lack follow-up, willingness, and/or courage to
actually do the work that is needed to heal
themselves and their living situations. They
want you to do the work for them. There are
also individuals that are plain lazy or don’t
want to grow up to assume adult responsibilities
and life-styles. This is another situation that
calls for boundaries.

Before we go into the mechanics of setting
boundaries, take a minute to monitor your
reaction to what you have already read.
Do these ideas make you uncomfortable?
Do you find yourself in agreement with any
of these ideas from personal experience?
Do you even have a clue about these issues?

I ask you to do this as part of the development
of another useful healer’s tool, self-reflection
and introspection. Well, maybe I mean a
couple of tools.

If you found yourself getting annoyed, you may
want to take note of this. One of the dangers
that can befall a healer or priest/ess is the trap
of getting one’s sense of self worth from others
needing you. There is nothing wrong with
feeling good about the work you do. Finding
your self-worth through another’s need is
dangerous.

The danger can lead to all kinds of problems.
Another ego trap, ultimately to the healer’s
detriment, is the one where the healer feels
that they, as a healer, are special and without
their personal help the patient could not possibly
get well. I hope that the dangers of this trap are
apparent.

If you find that you are personally getting your
self-identity though meeting other people’s
needs then you may resist the idea of
boundaries. If this is the case you might want to
do some serious introspection and self-reflection
about if this is truly taking care of your needs and
ultimately healthy.

Boundaries can be thought of in many ways.
Borderlands, fences, changes in the landscape
such as between forest and meadow. In ritual,
it is when the circle is cast, time between the
worlds. It is a way to separate one thing from
another. For the healer boundaries take the
form of time/energy/resource management.
Boundaries for a healer may also mean
clarifications in roles and expectations, along
with establishing energetic boundaries.

Questions are a wonderful tool in the
establishment of boundaries. What does t
he patient expect? How do they see your role
in their healing process? What do they think
is their part in their personal healing? What
are your current resources and how many of
these are available to the prospective client?
What do they expect that they have to do?
What exchange are they offering for your
services? What do you expect in exchange
for your services? Do these match?

In addition, it is wise to examine your beliefs
about healing. Do you think that you do it?
Spirit does it? The client is responsible? The
process is a co-creation? These are very critical
questions about the very epistemology of you
and your client’s belief systems. I’ll honestly
tell you from experience that these beliefs greatly
effect outcome.

Part of the process in the setting of boundaries
is an honest self-assessment of your resources.
Do you have the time/energy/patience to take on
a prospective client? Another thinking error that
occurs with some healers is that they feel that
have to “save” anyone that asks for their help.
This is a mistake that can lead to severe burn out.

Speaking from experience, the universe or the
spirits do not care about your needs, for the most
part. There is such a huge screaming hole of
human need, and the fact that the spirits are not
currently in human bodies, that they will take ANY
energy/time/resources/etc. that you can spare/or not.
Also I must mention here that your own inner needs
and desires conscious or unconscious may be
full-filled. If you want to be a savior then the
Universe/Goddess will bring it on!

If you have poor boundaries you may need to
start small. You might begin by practicing
observation on how, who, what, where you spend
your resources. Begin a journal tracking these
resource expenditures. Also note in your journal
how you are feeling through your day. How does
your body feel? What are your emotional
responses? Do you feel like there is enough
time to get the things that you need to get done?
Are you feeling rushed or strained in any way?
List your various activities. Include how you
are sleeping and eating. Adding your dreams t
o this inventory can be helpful, too. This may give
you insight into your deep process and hidden self.

After you have kept your journal for a while, do a
complete and honest assessment. This may give
you some idea about where your resources are
going and how that it is affecting you. Are you
finding that you are rushed and anxious? Are
you exhausted at the end of the day? Do you
sleep poorly? Are relationships with certain
individuals problematic? Why? Do you feel
exhausted after working with someone?

How much time are you spending on fun activities
for yourself? Do you feel angry or resentful? If you
were to look at the time spent on taking care of
yourself and taking care of others, how do they
compare? The questions I pose in all of the
sections are merely starting points. Once you
have done this assessment you can work on
strategy.

Good boundary setting begins with the practice of
saying “NO”! Saying “No” effectively can be
helped with a plan. For instance, if you are
too busy you might say, “I’m sorry, I have too
much on my plate right at the moment.
Perhaps you can ask X if they are available.”
If you don’t feel up for the particular needs of
this client you could say, “I’m just not qualified
for this type of healing work here are some
other options.”

Listing other options implies the concept of that
you actually have some kind of list of referrals
that you might feel is competent. Lists of local
resources: alternative counselors, social services,
crisis lines, food pantries, homeless shelters,
low-income medical resources, sliding scale
programs, can be a great tool to help in your
referral abilities.

Other areas that you can set boundaries in are
personal drama. When this happens you need
to first recognize it, choose that you do not want
to participate, followed by changing your
behavior to opt out of it. You can say, “No, I do
not want to continue this conversation any longer.”
You can refuse phone calls, conversations and
visits with those that bring drama to your door.

If you find yourself frequently the center of drama
you may have to do some serious self-reflection,
assessment, and behavioral modification.
Sometimes drama starts with us. On going drama
usually has some point where we engage it,
feed it or initiate it.

I wish there were an easy formula that I could
pass on to you so that you can know who to help
and who to refer. The only true way that I have
found is your ability to be honest with yourself
and your inner motivations, examine your gut
feelings and intuition, listen to your intuition. Be
willing to ask unpopular questions, look at the
answers honestly, follow-up by say “no” when
needed. If one of your clients is not following
through with your suggestions ask “why”. If the
individual does not have a satisfactory answer,
terminate your help.

If someone attempts to involve you in drama,
choose not to engage. If you are drawing, feeding,
or initiating drama, stop. Drama is endless,
repetitive and useless.

In conclusion I’d like to say that taking care of
yourself is critical if you truly want to be a “healer”
of any lasting substance. Your joy matters!
Learning to question yourself and others is a tool
of inestimable value. It’s kind of like a compass.
If you cannot ask and get answers from questions
then you are hobbled with blinders and you can’t
navigate a positive course. Be willing to practice
the art of developing your boundary setting and be
patient with yourself as your skills develop. Take
time to care for yourself and have leisure and
enjoyment in your life that is just for you. If you truly
want to serve then it is important to care of yourself as
sacred. Remember, “You are God/dess!” Healing
begins at home!

Copyright 2006 Lady Raven Ariana
All rights reserved