Beltane 2009 (1)

AVOIDANCE:
SAYING 'NO', HEALING,
AND REAWAKENING ©
by Lady Raven Ariana

The sun freshly shines on new growth, blossoms, and bird-song. We’ve had a snowy and cold winter here and the sunshine and warmth stirs new life in my soul. I’ve been in a process of illness that has left me redefining my life. I have had a “time out” for over two years and have suffered the tossing and turnings of a soul who needs constant activity and goals. During this process I have endured the grief process of denial, anger, avoidance, depression, and, at brief times, acceptance. Depression and the accompanying anger have been my most constant companions. When acceptance inhabits my being it brings a certain relief.

Being goal oriented, it is very disorienting to find oneself in a circumstance beyond one’s personal control to the point where one loses one’s goals. This situation brings its own struggles. My usual behaviors do not and did not work when faced with a physical inability to employ my patterns to “fix” the situation or put in place an alternate plan of action.

After endless dissection of my situation and many fruitless struggles and appeals to the Gods/Goddesses, Ancestors, and Spirits I went out of my personal behavioral patterns of direct action and began practicing avoidance. Avoidance is different from denial because I learned that when I avoided, I knew and made a choice about what I was going to avoid. I avoided many people, phone calls, declined or left obligations, practiced saying “no”, refused to watch the news, e-lists, e-mail, and became erratic in my behavior. This did not mean I did not feel many emotions of regret, self-blame, and negativity about what I felt of myself as some kind of “failure” set up by my own inner judge. This was a complex result of my own inner promptings that insisted I always needed to be “doing” something to further a goal for some greater “good”.

Denial is a condition where one refuses to see or acknowledge what is going on around one, including one’s own behavior or how it affects others. When I avoid, I acknowledge my behavior leaves a real impact. What I don’t know is how this ultimately affects the outcome of my world, relationships, and goals to be a helper and potential healer. This proves an interesting discipline in the giving up of control.

Control for me has always been a main drive in my existence. Having come from a traumatic past, I became a literal “control freak”. I felt if I could just figure out the right things to say and do, I could keep myself safe and build the life/family/supportive/reciprocal community I had always desired. After many years of struggle, I discovered no matter how well I planned, fulfilled my obligations, reached out, gave service, and tried to be a “good” person, I never came close to achieving any of my goals. In fact, I actually managed to push them ever further away. I did not understand that my plans involved other people and these other people had their own agendas, issues, and needs that did not resonate with my own. A big mistake I made was thinking these other people were like me in their agendas, thoughts, emotions, and desired outcomes. I call this the “ravencentric” view of the universe and it led me to much pain.

When I involved myself in a downside track of becoming a workaholic and tossed more and more of my life force at trying to make things “right” I ended up finally crashing and burning. There is only so much life force one has and only so much our physical bodies can handle. My stubbornness and ignorance led me to my long “time out”.

Did I accept my “time out” without a struggle and in good grace? No. I continued from bed to try and engage my usual patterns. I just tried to do this via plans, the Internet, and telephone. This didn’t work for me. I really needed to let go. Far into my process I finally found avoidance. I couldn’t easily or reliably disengage from my old patterns. What I could do was avoid or walk away from situations and people who engaged them. This only helped when I could actually realize I was engaging in self-damaging patterns. Once I had this kind of realization I could make a choice to avoid.

The art of saying “no” needed, and still needs, much revisiting. I also needed, and still need, to recognize when I punish myself with old negative self-talk, thought patterns, and internal judgments. This is work I imagine will last a lifetime.

Were the Gods/Goddesses, Ancestors, and Spirits silent and are they still? No. I found myself with help throughout this process and still do. I will admit it is difficult to make space to listen to the quiet wisdom our sacred helpers share with us, especially when we may be struggling hard with ourselves. Sometimes our inner distractions make it hard or impossible to journey to the Shining Realms. If we are filled with depression and anger it is hard to see a fallen feather as a powerful token and communication from an animal helper.

It helps to see and acknowledge that life is a pilgrimage with many interesting views along the way. As with any journey there are set backs, triumphs, surprises, beautiful scenery, varying weather, changing companions, and mystery. We may have a goal of arriving somewhere, yet the process of taking the path has its own flow. Pilgrimages usually have a goal of some spiritual transformation for the Pilgrim. Living life, with or without actually leaving our own homes, is a pilgrimage. Many times our pilgrimages, especially with their detours, lead to lessons learned and healing. We learn all kinds of useful knowledge on our trips, abroad and at home.

While I listen to the birds, smell the spring blossoms, enjoy the warm sunshine, I thank the Gods/Goddesses, Ancestors, and Spirits for being with me in the realization that healing is a process itself, a journey. I begin a process of reawakening. I may not know exactly what I need to navigate my life and there are many lessons I will continue to learn during my process. The reawakening Mother Earth in all her glory gives me a moment to pause and revel in my senses.

Blessed Be!