Re: Empathy and Sympathy

This post originates as a response to a post on a pagan clergy e-group.

Nice points, (name left out),

I think that in some ways, when I am working with people, especially as a healer, I work with neither empathy nor sympathy. Not that this is ALWAYS the case. Empathy and sympathy can tell us a lot about ourselves, and sometimes gives us information about another. Usually learning occurs when you can tell the difference between the two (empathy or sympathy), weed out your feelings and distinguish them from another's feelings, then clear yourself enough to do the necessary work.

I often avoid both empathy and sympathy in pastoral counseling situations. Instead, I like to work with presence and holding a safe space or container. These methods are a little different, because they involve setting aside myself and my agenda, in order to facilitate for another.

The first prerequisite in "setting aside myself and my agenda" means that I have been working and have tools to work with knowing myself and my agenda. It also utilizes skills developed to monitor myself and flags to alert me when "I" or "my agenda" am/is becoming involved.

Some practices that help in learning presence and holding a safe space are meditational practices where you develop parts of yourself called "The Observer". This Observer is a part of you that seems to stand aside and view your emotions, thoughts, processes, etc., while you are meditating.

To clarify the term "meditation", I am not talking about simply sitting around in the lotus position chanting "Ohm" (though the lotus position and chants may work well for some).
Meditation can happen through movement, stillness, during sacred housecleaning, singing and in many other ways.

When I set aside myself/agenda, become fully present, then hold safe space, I am able to fully be with the person and their feelings and issues. Safe space always means confidentiality, then whatever else is necessary for the individual to feel safe. Sometimes it involves ritual cleansing and boundary setting. It also requires self-monitoring and monitoring the energy of the space.

A note on the idea of setting aside one's personal agenda: Personal agendas arise from within our own personal needs/ideas/epistimology/experiences/etc. For instance, some of us have a need to "fix". An individual may approach us and ask us to "fix" their problem. I've found that "fixing" something or someone in a pastoral counseling setting is, at best, an extremely short termed solution and, at worst, encourages codependency and/or a mommy like dependence from those we are "fixing". The student/covener begins to look toward us to "fix" them whenever there is a problem. The individuals who have been "fixed" by us rarely develop abilities, skills and enough self-knowledge to "fix" anything for themselves so, they often need help.

An even bigger downside to this "fixing" happens when we step away from the "fixing", try to change the boundaries of the relationship, or we attempt to get the person to work on their own issues. This happens after we have developed a relationship and subsequent expectation from the individual that we will "fix" them/their problems. My experience has been that when I have engaged this particular dynamic in a relationship, I have seen adolescent type acting out and huge shadow plays of authority issues from the "fixed" towards the "fixer".

If you happen to be a person with "fixing" urges, I strongly recommend meditating on the concept that Spirit is All and nothing is really "broken". We are all perfect in Spirit.

That said, a better balanced method is to guide the person through processing and exploration of their own issues in safe space. The person processes emotions, then is asked what they think the issue is. After processing emotions and issue identification, they can then be asked what they think their options are. Our job, here, is to encourage them to look within and come up with some of their own options. Reflective/active listening and appropriate questions are the key here.

What most people generally need is a place to process. Presence and holding safe space facilitates this. When reflective/active listening is used, a person can process and sort through their own emotions. If further steps are needed, besides the processing, questions can reveal what the person feels like are his/her options and potential outcomes. If a person is really lost after exploring their own ideas, feelings, central issue and outcomes, they can be given additional possible options and ideas and allowed to explore these verbally/emotionally.

I'm a great believer in teaching folks to fish. Catch a person a fish, feed him for a meal. Teach a person to fish, she feeds herself and her family for her lifetime. This comes in handy when/if you find yourself busy and on call from coveners/students. A few sessions of this type of guidance/pastoral counseling sets a template of self-empowerment.

Usually folks know, somewhere inside themselves, what the best options are for them and what they really want. A lot of people are taught to avoid this knowledge for all kinds of reasons. When we can facilitate with/for them in such a way as to help them draw this out and strengthen/acknowledge them, then they become more confident in their own processing and decision making skills and abilities.

Control Freak

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that I am a total control freak. In fact, I’m such a control freak that I often get into control drama with myself. If that’s not having control issues I don’t know what is. I think that my problems arise from issues of childhood wounding. I lost trust in everything, except animals and the natural, non-human world, very early in my life.

That said, how do I work with my problem. Well, all I can say is that this is a work in progress and I still feel far from any satisfactory answers. The First Spell of Change is awareness, also known as realizing that there is a problem. The example kind of goes something like, “Houston, we have a problem! We are out of control! That person, situation, relationship, myself, what have you, is not responding to my attempts at navigation!”

Now it might seem to be common sense to understand the complexities of knowing that we are NOT in control and that just figuring out the “right” way to do something will not necessarily lead to the outcome we desire. I can only say that this seems to be the “common sense” of those who have had the luxury of a healthy childhood. Even then, I have my doubts because it seems that this culture, itself, soul kills at an early age.

My own childhood experiences led me to assume that if I am NOT in total control I may be in some serious doodoo! In fact, given that I am a multiply aspected Sag with Virgo rising (Google the web to learn more about astrology or find the nearest trust worthy astrologist near you), my experiences have also led me to believe that I need to be beyond reproach! (If I could have given the term "beyond reproach" squiggly lines like Edward Moench’s “The Scream”, I would have.) Beyond reproach is a burden that no one, even my most hated enemy, should have to live with.

If you couple a desire for perfection with fear arousing survival, and a need to control, you have a response that is very difficult to become aware of and then, if you want, feel, and have the ability, to change.

Guerilla Wicca

Having instructed you all on being voluntold, I will now share the "mysteries" of Guerilla Wicca. Guerilla Wicca is a specialty of mine authored by myself and Lady Phoenix to slip by slacking Pagans for our entertainment and the slacker's enlightenment. Guerilla Wicca is not to be confused with Aardvarkian Wicca, another Trad I started 20 years ago with a fellow High Priest, named Pryddth ap Don. Aardvarkian Wicca is a system inspired by Eris and those of her followers who like to roll out the golden apple. If you want to know more about Eris and Discordian magic find a copy of "The Principia Discordia".

Before I go on, I'd like to give credit where credit is due, and post an e-mail received today, from my sister priestess in Guerilla Wicca fun, Lady Phoenix. She sent me this after reading my previous posts.

"KICK ASS.... NOW you can go finally get all that shit down so it can be put
into book form... I got blogs too.. .
i thought Bor was going to shit when we talked about Guerilla Wicca... omg...
you gotta write about that one next...lol..."

All right, now that the proper credit has been given, we begin our Guerilla Wicca tutorial. As I mentioned in the post on voluntold, I have an extremely irritating way of teaching. I call it the "art of the question". So what do you think that Guerilla Wicca might be? Take some time to think about this before reading further.

If you think that Guerilla Wicca is subversive, covert, underground and sneaky, I think that you are probably on the right track! I'll again instruct you, a la Lady Raven, and ask you another question. Why in the world is there a need for a magical system that is covert, subversive, underground and sneaky? Take your time, here, and really think of an anwer before reading further.

For those of you who read my previous post on voluntelling, you'll probably get the idea that many folks are slackers, plain and simple. Now the Craft of the Wise, or Witchcraft, is ALL about change. If you have a bunch of slacking individuals who refuse to work on themselves to change for the better (for their own health and happiness and that of the Planet) then sneak, subversion, and covert techniques can be very helpful. Guerilla Wicca is simply the act of slipping in transformational magic without the knowledge of the student. I'm not talking about "manipulative spell work". In my book or BOS* manipulative spell work is considered "black magic".

Guerilla Wicca is Art in its highest form. It's sneaking in the Spells of Change in such a way that the person does all of the work and gets all of the benefit without ever knowing that I'm slipping them anything. Pretty cool, don't you think? You don't have to be a Poohbah to practice Guerilla Wicca. In fact, being a Poohbah actually gets in the way of working this type of Craft. The point is to remain "unseen".

Some of you may be wondering what the Spells of Change are. I'm going to do my thing again and ask you, "What do you think the Spells of Change are?" I'll be posting about them at a later date and expecting you all to have considered the question, unless you already "know" the answer. Once again, you've been voluntold!

*BOS means Book of Shadows

Voluntold

Scratching my head, I'm remembering the origins of the term "voluntold". I'm thinking that Phoenix is actually the person who coined the term in the last coven I HPSed (that's High Priestessed for those folks not in the know). I have a way of looking at a person when I'm asking for volunteers to do a coven duty, or other assignment, and then that person feels motivated to step up to the plate. This became known as "voluntold".

I don't mean to be bossy. It's just that 20 years of priestessing, often times in public service, has left its mark. Raising 2 boys to adulthood and having a background in dog training, along with teaching dog training classes, can't be lightly put aside, either. The dog training classes took place before the days of clicker training, rewards and The Monks of New Skete. This was in the day of corrections and the alpha male roll over for agressive dogs. As a teacher, I learned to be a real alpha bitch.

Voluntelling, FYI, for those other priestesses out there, does have its advantages. Despite cowan (this means non-witch) claims to the contrary, I have found that folks relish being told what to do. I have been at my most disappointing, to my students, that is, when I tell them to figure it out for themselves. They HATE some of my teaching methods, especially my specialty of asking questions then actually expecting them to do the work of coming up with the answers, themselves. They'd much rather I tell them what to do, give them a formula, lay it out for them....you get the picture.

I've been told by some of my sister priestesses that I'd be much more effective if I'd do a Drawing Down of the Poohbah. Drawing Down is a particular type of ceremony where a priest or priestess channels Deity. I know, there are plenty of sceptics in the world and I include myself in the sceptic camp. I'm not asking for believers or converts here. What's a Poohbah, one might ask? This is a variety of individual who puffs up in public, knows it ALL, and lets everyone know that they know it ALL, in no uncertain terms.

Many folks don't want a peer, they want a boss. They want a Mistress type priestess who takes charge and has them bowing and scraping. They want you to see all, know all, hold the mysteries and dangle the mysteries/knowledge like a carrot on a stick. When they misbehave they'd like the, just mentioned, stick applied to their slacking behinds. Well, crap, I should have figured this stuff out 20 years ago. I could have been a petty tyrant and had my students kissing my behind instead of bitching.

Figure that one out, you've been voluntold!

McWicca

As a priestess I am continually amazed that when individuals discover I'm a witch they seem to think that spell work is something that they can order up at the window, then have delivered like fast food. They'll ask me something like "Hey, can you do a love spell and get me my forever mate?" Sometimes I'm tempted to ask "And would you like a side of thighs with that?"

Really! These folks are quite serious about their "orders". The sad thing that they don't understand is that magic means "work". "The Gods help those who help themselves" is actually an explanation of one of the "Craft Laws". You can burn candles and do spell work to get a job until the cows come home, but if you never move your behind off of the couch and fill out some applications and go to some interviews, you're not going to see a paycheck.

"Love spells" are another sticky wicket all together. Every time I get asked to do a "love spell" I have to trot out my tired old "black magic" 101 lecture. Black magic??? You might ask. Isn't "black magic" about harming others. Nope, not in my book. "Black magic" is all about nonconsensual magic. Doing magic unto others that they have not consented to. Does this mean that healing work can, at times, be considered "black magic". Yes, siree, Bob. If my fundamentalist Bible thumping brother does not ask me to do healing work for him and his, then I'd better not be lighting a candle in his name when he is ill.

The other down side of "love spells" is that folks will doubt any "love" that may happen after said spell has been done. There is always a taint of manipulation that surrounds ANY relationship that ensues following a manipulative spell. Even if the person in question is your one and true soul mate, you'll always wonder if the person loves you for you, or is simply a victim of the spell.

So what's my point? Magic is work! You can't order up lasting change at the "window". Change is like the seasons, it takes time. It also takes effort and work. You might have to plant some seeds, water some sprouts, nurture the growth, harvest your fruit, then know how to store if for future consumption. Short cuts might supply you some kind of instant gratification, but it is seldom lasting or nutritious.

Boastradamus

I know someone who I like to call "Boastradamus". Have you ever heard of Nostradamus, the person who made predictions about the future? Well, Boastradamus predicts the past. This person does so with the special superpower "hindsight" and their hindsight is always 20/20. Sometimes I laugh and think that 20/20 hindsight comes from peering out of the "other eye" or orifice, the one my honey calls the winkin and stinkin little brown eye.

Do you know any Boastradamus type individuals? They have the hallmark of saying things like....."I told you so." "Well, I said..." "If only you would have listened to me back...." "I already knew that!" "Been there, seen it, done it and all before you did." and my favorite "I know ALL about you".

Boastradamus is a type of Poobah. Many Boastradamus predictions act like a weather vane. They let you know that the fez is about to expand. When the predictions start, be careful and stand back. You don't want to be covered with anything should that fez explode. The fez gets extremely volatile when there is an audience. An audience will bring out other superpowers in a Boastradamus. Superpowers like his/her "fickle finger of credit and blame", the ability to "shame in a single sentence", the supermagical ability of "increasing in size in relation to putting others down" or ranking (of course with Boastradamus at the top of the heirarchy), "magical cloak of invisibility when responsible", and many others.

What I always need to remind myself when dealing with a Boastradamus is that usually the superpowers and expanding fez create a distraction from the "little man behind the curtain". Smoke and mirrors keep hidden the wounded, insecure "God/lowest creature on the face of the planet" real person. They sadly believe that they truly create all of the universe, even you, when things are going well, and everyone else is to blame, when things are going wrong. When I remember this it is much easier to retain my equilibrium and not take Boastradamus so personally.

Velvet's Rescue

On the weekend of Beltane, Saturday April 30th, my honey and I had to go in to work. We had just returned from a pilgrimage to the Temple of Sekhmet in Indian Springs, Nevada (http://www.sekhmettemple.com). For an in-depth account of our journey check out: http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usut&c=words&id=9240. After work we needed to go to PetSmart for supplies. Interestingly enough, our youngest son (19 years) was telling us about a fire that had taken place while we were out of town. Some person had 38 cats and these cats had been rescued by the fire department and put out to foster with a local animal welfare group called CAWS (http://www.caws.org). While in Petsmart we saw this little black cat with medium length fur and bright green eyes. On her cage was her name, Velvet, and a paper telling the story about how she was one of the "fire" kitties and the first to be placed up for adoption.

What a total sweetheart. She clearly loved to be petted and I knew she wanted to come home with us. When we talked to the volunteer we asked how she got along with other cats and animals, as we had 2 other cats and additional pets. The volunteer told us that she really didn't like other cats but she had lived with 37. The volunteer did not know if she would get along with dogs. The volunteer felt that if we gave Velvet a home she would adjust to the other cats and animal folk. She assured us that if Velvet did not work out she could go back to her foster home.

We were convinced and Velvet came home with us upon completion of the adoption application. When we brought her home, we set her up in the guest bedroom along with cat-box, food, water and toys. This was going to be for the gentle introduction period of time. We had to see if she and the other fur folk got along.

It took about a week, but Velvet began to get settled and integrated into Chez Lapin (our home). She's the tiniest of the cats but rules with an iron ruler held in the velvet glove of a school marm. She gets along famously with 2 of the dogs, one of the dogs doesn't get along with anyone. She hates disputes and when anyone fights she screams, and runs in to break up the problem. She loves my honey. You should see her climb up on his chest, wrap her paws around his neck, nibble his chin and drool. Our big Maine Coon tom, Nimbus, follows her around looking love struck. She drives him away when he gets too close! Phoebe, our other Maine Coon, growls and keeps her distance. I kind of think that Phoebe is happy to have Nimbus fixated on Velvet. Nimbus's interest in Velvet gives Phoebe some breathing room.

Another new adventure

Today is the beginning of another new adventure. Blogging! I've never blogged before but have read a few here and there. I am hoping that this will help me develop new web skills, improve my writing, give me a regular venue to express myself, and lead to unknown territory. I haven't exactly figured out how to manipulate my blog site so that it will look like I want it to.

Sia, another priestess, inspired me to create my blog. You can find her's at: http://fullcirclenews.blogspot.com. Thanks, Sia! My long time mate and husband thought of the name "Ravensongs". Good one, Hon!